


feelings

by euphoriaX



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Gay Oikawa Tooru, Grab your tissues, Hanamaki and Matsukawa are a thing already, M/M, Oblivious Iwaizumi Hajime, memes?, oikawa's parents are nice and confused
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-02
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2019-07-23 13:58:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16160327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoriaX/pseuds/euphoriaX
Summary: Oikawa swung his legs back and forth, looking down at the train tracks below him. He was currently sitting on the bride, in front of the rather... pointless railing. He didn't say anything, just staring and thinking. Was everything she said true? Is he all of those things? Oikawa continued to wonder, eyes puffy and red, cheeks stained with tears. The only real noise he was making was his sniffling. Oikawa turned his head and looked at his phone which had started ringing, buzzing against the concrete. Iwaizumi's calling. Odd, he should be off making out with his girlfriend or something since that seems to be the only thing he does now. With nothing to stop it, his phone was moving, moving closer to the edge of the bridge due to the vibrations. Oikawa only watched.Oikawa only watched as his phone fell off the ledge of the bridge._This story deals with tough, harsh and triggering subjects. If you're at all irked by the subjects of suicide, self harm, anxiety and more (will be given warnings at the beginning of chapters), please don't read this story. Thank you.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with tough, harsh and triggering subjects. If you're at all irked by the subjects of suicide, self harm, anxiety and more (will be given warnings at the beginning of chapters), please don't read this story. Thank you.

Times like this were the best.

Oikawa sat down at the lunch table, friends all around him. Iwaizumi sat beside him, checking something on his phone, Matsukawa and Hanamaki were feeding each other whatever food they had. Oikawa had a smile on his face, elbow resting on the table, chin on his palm. Though it sucks that the others can't sit with them due to conflicting schedules, Oikawa is happy to have time with at least some of his friends. Why couldn't all days be like this? Just being friends? Well, the answer is simple.

The world fucking hates him.

By even though the world seems to hate it when he's smiling, he makes sure he goes through with it happily. He doesn't want to worry anyone for any reason. He isn't depressed, he isn't sad, but it seems like the world just throws literally everything at him. The only reason he hasn't fallen by thus point is because of one man.

While Oikawa was in his mind, he faintly heard Matsukawa and Hanamaki playfully flirting with each other and talking about thy best memes.

"Nah man, I'd drop it low for my man Harambe."

"Dude, same."

"I'd drop it low for you."

"Thanks man, I'd do the same for you. But, you know, Shrek kinda thick though, he would be better."

"Dude, true."

 

Iwaizumi, oh Iwaizumi. The guy Oikawa has been crushing on since childhood, since they first met really. He's utterly and completely whipped. Oikawa looked over at Iwaizumi and he smiled, at the other male. He didn't seem to notice that he was smiling. Iwaizumi didn't notice, looking at whatever Instagram post he could find. Oikawa was probably not even going to notice what he was doing until the other two males at the table spoke up.

"Excuse me, whipped much?" Hanamaki interrupts. He waved his fork wildly at his lunch tray. But before Oikawa could say a word, both Hanamaki and Matsukawa said in unison, "In front of my salad?"

Oikawa's growing blush froze, and he, along with Iwaizumi (who was confused at what was happening) broke out laughing, along with the meme team. The conversation devolved into the four throwing Vine and meme references at each other.

Oikawa loves times like this, he really does.

Nothing can break him down.

The entire team was sitting around pizza boxes and soda cans, all joking and smiling, the captain at the front of it all, watching as his teammates talked to each other and joked about rather anything even slightly funny. Beside him, was Iwaizumi.

"Why are you so quiet?" He heard Iwaizumi ask gruffly from beside him, holding a paper plate on his lap, a piece of half eaten pizza on it.

Grinning like a complete yet adorable idiot, Oikawa turned to Iwaizumi "I'm just happy, taking this all in." He said, taking a happy sigh once he finished his short sentence. His heart was full with one emotion- happiness. No other emotion was there, just happiness filling his being to the absolute brim.

"You idiot, we do this every friday." Iwaizumi said, rolling his eyes. "What's so special about today?" He asked. "I like these days too, but no need to be dramatic." Iwaizumi said, but he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy these days.

Oikawa smiled, "I know, but I just really like these days. I love having moments like this. You know me Iwa-chan, I have a lot of feelings," he said with a chuckle.

"That's obvious, Shittykawa." Iwaizumi said, earning a whine and huff from Oikawa, "mean!" Oikawa exclaimed, puffing out his cheeks a bit.

Iwaizumi didn't say anything for a moment, but eventually looked at Oikawa, "so you really like moments like this?" He asked, taking a drink from whatever soda he picked up.

Oikawa smiled sweetly at the scene and nodded his head a bit, lowering his phone down before he was even able to hit send on whatever text he was typing out, "yes, yes I do."

Ah, the bridge.

The Yamamoto bride was one of Oikawa's favorite places to go. He would always go there with Iwaizumi, it was like their special place. he and Iwaizumi would always just talk and sit there in front of the pointless railing, they'd joke, but they'd mainly just... talk. The view was always gorgeous, able to see lush trees and the bright blue sky, absolutely breathtaking.

Oikawa has fallen asleep against Iwaizumi at the bridge once. Though, when he awoke, it was already morning and he was in his bed.

So, when did it change?

Oikawa sat at the lunch table, finding someone missing from it. Matsukawa and Hanamaki were sitting across from him, looking at whatever meme video they had found on YouTube. Oikawa nibbled on his lower lip and looked at the spot beside him, the spot Iwaizumi easy supposed to be sitting at.

"Hey, do you guys know where Iwa-chan is?" Oikawa asked.

"Nope, he just said he had something to do." Matsukawa answered and then went right back to his memes.

Oikawa frowned a bit. Why didn't Iwaizumi tell him? Oikawa laid his head down on the table and sighed. It shouldn't be that big of a deal, yet here he is, thinking of the worst possible scenario.

Oikawa's head snapped up, "wait, what if Iwa-chan was abducted by aliens?! Ah! No fair!" Oikawa complained, more talking to himself than really anything. Though, Hanamaki and Matsukawa weren't really listening at the moment, too caught up in their memes.

But, after Oikawa's head snapped up, he laid it right back down. No matter how many times he tries to think positive...

It seems only negative ideas pop up in his head, and it seriously was getting annoying.

Though, as he turned his head to the side, he noticed Iwaizumi. A wide smile curled onto his lips, glad that his precious Iwa-chan was okay, but that smile vanished as soon as it appeared.

At Iwaizumi's side, a girl stood there, with Iwaizumi's arm around her waist and a smile on his face.


	2. chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Sorry if it seems rushed or anything, but I swear it'll get better!

Aiko. That's her name. Aiko Suzuki.

He's supposed to be happy for Iwaizumi, but why are the only emotions he can possibly feel at this moment is hurt and betrayal? Iwaizumi is happy, so why should his own matter? He really is selfish.

See, Oikawa can be classified as selfish. Many people already do because of his natural personality. But not many pay attention to the underside of it, but that doesn't matter, right?

Oikawa watched as everyone at the table talked together, everyone got to meet Aiko. It made Oikawa wonder, how do those two know each other? How come Oikawa has never met Aiko? So many questions were running through his head, he almost missed Iwaizumi's explanation, almost on cue with Oikawa's thoughts.

"We met around the beginning of this year. We talked a lot, but it was normally on the weekends, as we don't have any classes together," Iwaizumi said.

Oikawa didn't say anything yet. He just examined Iwaizumi's smile. Why can't he make Iwaizumi smile like that? Why can't he make Iwaizumi happy like that? All he seems to do is annoy him. Yet, this girl manages to make him smile with a simple glance. Strings tugged at Oikawa's heart, and he held back any type of distressed noise.

No.

He wasn't going to cry here, not over something so fucking selfish.

"Oikawa?" He heard Hanamaki question, snapping the brunette out of his own thoughts. Oikawa looked up to see everyone's eyes on him, especially Iwaizumi's questioning ones - judging? Maybe.

"You good?" Matsukawa added, to which Oikawa quickly responded with a forced laugh, "I'm fine! Sorry, just spaced out." He said, giving a wide smile. Oikawa now avoided Iwaizumi's stare. He also had yet to even make eye contact with Aiko, but he had glanced at her. She is pretty... Oikawa will admit that. Long, black hair, bright blue eyes, freckles, she's pretty and cute. Not to mention she is a little busty too.

Iwaizumi shook his head a little, and continued on with his story. At this point, Oikawa had spaced out again.

-

Oikawa couldn't stop thinking, he couldn't stop wondering. What does she have, that he doesn't? But then Oikawa remembers the haunting fact that Iwaizumi is straight, that even if he wasn't dating Aiko, they'd never get together. With a frown on his face, Oikawa walked home alone that day, as Iwaizumi was instead walking Aiko home.

Oikawa entered his house wordlessly, which surprised his mother, who was making breakfast. His father was currently working on... something... in the living room. Looked to complicated for Oikawa to really care.

When Oikawa didn't greet them, it warranted questions.

"You okay Tooru?" His father asked, setting down his pen on a stack of papers. His father surveyed him, already catching signs of distress from his son. Oikawa's mother left the kitchen and walked over to Oikawa, hoping to hear a answer.

But, they just got a simple nod and a, "I'll be in my room," and up he went. Oikawa walked up the stairs and inside his bedroom where he cried, and accidentally cried himself to sleep.

It raised his mother's concern when she walked into his bedroom to tell him that dinner was ready, to see her son curled up in a ball with dry tear tracks on his face and tissues scattered across the room, though fast asleep.

She didn't wake him, figuring he needed his sleep, so she left the room, concern weighing heavily over her heart.

_

Oikawa woke up around midnight. He rose his head, rather confused about the whole situation. He was fully dressed still and he wasn't even under his blankets so- oh yeah.

The memories came at Oikawa like a train going full speed. Oikawa let out a sigh as he reached over for his phone (which he had to find) and checked the time.

"12:13..." the brunette mumbled before setting his phone back down. He got off of his bed and turned his lamp on, giving him at least some light. All he did was strip his shirt off along with his pants before he lowered himself down onto the bed.

Though, before he could properly lay down, he noticed himself in the mirror above his dresser.

To put lightly, he looks like absolute shit.

Oikawa frowned a bit more before he shook his head and turned his lamp light off. He laid back down and did his best to go back to sleep.

It didn't work. He didn't have his tears to comfort him to sleep.

And, no matter how many times he closed his eyes, all he was able to see was Iwaizumi.

-

Oikawa woke up late the next morning. It continued to throw off his parents as he never wakes up late. Well, that's a lie. Oikawa normally wakes up late due to Iwaizumi storming in and waking the brunette up by shaking him awake (Oikawa's mother always lets him in).

But, he never wakes up this late.

"Tooru?"

Oikawa was brought calmly from his sleep when his mother said his name so softly, relaxing beneath the touch of her hand massaging lightly against his back in a comforting manner.

Oikawa's eyes opened in a slow flutter, looking up at his mother who gave him a sympathetic smile.

Great.

The morning wasn't good for Oikawa. He barely are breakfast and was practically out the door before his parents could say goodbye. Of course he had gotten dressed and cleaned before that. Oikawa was a little bit more confused on why he was not woken by Iwaizumi.

But, the brunette got his answer rather quickly.

As he was nearing the school gates, he saw Iwaizumi and Aiko holding hands and talking together.

Oikawa, thankful he was wearing his gray hoodie that day, pulled it over his head in a attempt to skate right by them. And, it worked. That outcome surprised Oikawa because normally Iwaizumi can spot him no matter what.

Oikawa glanced back to see Iwaizumi's smiling face, fixated only on Aiko's own. With a heavy heart, Oikawa kept going.

This feeling is weird, Oikawa thought. He hasn't felt this way before. Is this how all those girls who swoon after him feel? Oikawa didn't know. He just wants the pain in his chest to stop.

He's being selfish. He's putting his own thoughts over Iwaizumi's happiness.

Iwaizumi shoulder matter more. He should.

Oikawa doesn't even know anything about Aiko. So maybe he should get to know her, and maybe things could get better? If he could just get to know Aiko, maybe he'll learn to stop being jealous of her, to see what she has that he doesn't and just get on with his life.

But, that's easier said than done.


	3. chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ::Edited::

Getting to know Aiko was hard.

Aiko is a person who someone could describe as confusing, weird and... nice at the same time. It sent Oikawa through a loop. He would ask her one question and get a rather respectful answer but the next question he would ask would get the weirdest answer ever.

While her personality is confusing, there's no lie that she's beautiful. Is she prettier than him (Oikawa)? Oikawa likes to think not, but by all the compliments she gets from HIS friends and the little compliments he gets from them shows a cold truth that Oikawa hates to think of.

Aiko is nice though. She doesn't insult Oikawa, like the others. Well, not straightforwardly.

Oikawa has lost a large amount of time with Iwaizumi. The only time he really has with the other male now is during volleyball practice. Thankfully, Hanamaki and Matsukawa are still with him. Though, Oikawa doesn't know how many Harambe and Shrek jokes he can take before he goes absolutely and completely insane.

But the fact is, those two are there not that Iwaizumi isn't.

It's like they know, they know how Oikawa is longing to be around Iwaizumi like they always had been. It's like they can see the desperation in Oikawa's eyes.

Maybe he's making it too obvious.

One day though, Oikawa seriously just wants some time with Iwaizumi. So, during lunch, Oikawa asked.

"Iwa-chan, will you walk me home today?" He asked, trying to play it off as playful.

But, the next thing he saw was a frantic look on Aiko's face. Then, he heard it.

"Ah! You said you would take me to the movies today, Iwa-chan!"

Iwa... chan?

Oikawa felt something crack - well, not exactly - at his heart. That's HIS nickname for Iwaizumi. So why is he the only one out of the two of them who looks so offended? And why the fuck are Hanamaki and Matsukawa the two who actually notice it, and not Iwaizumi?

Iwaizumi chuckled, "don't worry." He said to Aiko and turned to Oikawa, "I'm taking her to the movies afterschool, maybe another time." He said. Now, Oikawa was happy that there wasn't a 'Shittykawa' after the sentence but it still hurt.

Oikawa frowned and gave a little nod, "....okay." He replied. For the rest of that lunch period, he stayed relatively silent, only talking when he was directly addressed.

But, Oikawa didn't miss the annoyed side glance Aiko sent him.

-

Heart heavy, Oikawa continued on with his day. He didn't want to remain so sad because he knows it's just going to drag down others around him. It's already affecting his "fan girls" and they seems genuinely worried about him, so he doesn't want to stay so depressed.

Maybe he should try to get laid. God, but all he will be able to think about is Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi.

Oikawa, before, had tried kissing another girl then another guy to see if his feelings for Iwaizumi were true, to see if he could just shake them off.

Well, he can't.

He's horribly on love with Iwaizumi, it's stupid. He may not be so forward (he is) with it, but he truly loves the other male. He always has, but he just didn't want to admit it before. He was scared, too scared to admit his feelings to even himself in fear of either being shut down or just shut out completely.

Oikawa never really had to tell his team that he's gay. He makes it obvious, and well, if they had any problem with gay people then they would have outed Hanamaki and Matsukawa a very long time ago because those two are VERY gay for each other.

Oikawa can't shake off his feelings for Iwaizumi. Oikawa has never truly loved anyone like he has loved, and loves Iwaizumi. Iwaizumi is different. He has been with Oikawa since they were children, he's handsome as fuck, and he is actually caring (in his own way). The insults and jokes don't hurt at all when Iwaizumi says them, because he knows exactly how Iwaizumi can be, he understands.

So, why is he suddenly starting to think that maybe those aren't just jokes? Maybe Iwaizumi was being dead serious every single time? Should those jokes have been a sign for Oikawa that Iwaizumi just doesn't like him? Oikawa doesn't know, but he just wants to get away. He wants to get away and just think.

So, he got up from the table and quietly excused himself as he left said table. Another crack came against his chest when he realized that Iwaizumi wasn't the one who questioned him. It was Hanamaki and Matsukawa who did. But, Oikawa didn't answer. He pretended not to hear their questions as he hurried away.

Though all this time, Oikawa was still thinking about...this. Searching for the reason of his jealousy. His childish jealousy that would never, ever be validated. It hurts, it really does. But, it's the truth. He tries to convince himself that the feelings shouldn't matter, he tries.

But here he was, sitting on a random school bench, alone, sniffling and crying over Iwaizumi. And, as he continued to cry, he began to see images.

He had difficulty determining reality from delusion, he experienced hallucinations before, so he always tried to make sure that what he was living was not an image created by his own sick mind.

He truly hated himself when it happened because, what kind of sick shit could imagine things?

He has always been dealing with things like this, and would ask his mother for medication that was prescribed years ago. But... it would take a toll of her, and him. He doesnt need to be on medication anymore though...

So he vowed to leave her alone, to make himself as little as possible. She doesn't deserve any of the trouble she has been going through lately. No one deserves it, and it's all because of him, because of his childish and selfish self.


	4. chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys! I'm on my school's newspaper staff, so that has been eating me up lately, but I've been doing just fine!

Honestly, Oikawa isn't exactly one to beat himself up. The only times he does is when they loose a game - namely against Shiratorizawa - but, it's always Iwaizumi who picks him up, no matter what, Iwaizumi always finds a way back to his side. It's like Iwaizumi has some sort of "Oikawa is Sad' radar, because even if the two aren't right next to each other, he knows. Oikawa could be in his room, overthinking things, and Iwaizumi could be in his room and send a text to Oikawa, saying, 'stop doing that.' It freaked Oikawa out.

But, Oikawa can't help but miss it, as Iwaizumi hasn't been doing that.

Oikawa finds himself feeling bad almost every single day with days without Iwaizumi to keep him anchored, and with Aiko sending him random dirty glances that just makes him feel odd and confused.

But, you could imagine the look on Oikawa's face when Iwaizumi texted Oikawa to meet him at the bridge. Happy and excited, Oikawa didn't hesitate to reply and get ready. He threw on some shoes and a jacket, and rushed out. 

That was the first time in a while that his parents had seen an actual smile on his face, so, they didn't question it. They were just happy to see him smile, letting him go.

Oikawa was glad that the bridge was literally right outside of his neighborhood, so it didn't take him long to get there. He saw Iwaizumi, alone thankfully, leaning up against the trailing with his back to the train tracks, looking down at his phone. Oikawa grinned and trotted right up to Iwaizumi, and said suddenly, "hey Iwa-chan." 

Iwaizumi jumped, but the next moment Oikawa was being glared at. But, Oikawa couldn't help but smile, smile about the fact that he finally has time alone with Iwaizumi.

He was pushing (or at least trying) Aiko to the back of his mind, even the looming fact that she calls him 'Iwa-chan' as well. He wants to just focus on the time he has with his precious Iwaizumi before that time is up. 

Iwaizumi huffed, stuffing his phone into his own jacket pocket, "still annoying as always, Shittykawa."

Despite the insult, Oikawa can't help but smile wide. He had missed that voice, he had missed Iwaizumi's little insults he throws, he... he missed Iwaizumi. Maybe he's being a bit over dramatic, maybe, Oikawa says in his head. It's only been a few weeks (exactly 3 and 4 days to be precise). Who knows?

Oikawa grinned, "but you still love me anyway." He resisted the urge to add, 'as a friend.'

Iwaizumi rose a eyebrow, "do I?" He questioned before he shook his head with a huff. "What's your deal?" He suddenly asked, making Oikawa blink.

"Huh?"

"You've been acting weird lately. Don't play dumb," Iwaizumi huffed, staring directly at Oikawa.

So... he did notice. Oikawa blinked in surprise, surprised by the fact that Iwaizumi had actually noticed his change in attitude and posture. But, in the back of his mind, he was also saying that he shouldn't be surprised, that he shouldn't be shocked by the fact that Iwaizumi noticed his sad change.

"Oi."

Oikawa jumped and shook his head, broken out of his thoughts. His eyes met Iwaizumi's own, and he couldn't help but feel his heart skip a beat. The genuine worry in Iwaizumi's eyes made him feel good, made him feel like he was actually important to the other male still.

"O-oh, uh... I've just been stressed, that's all! We also haven't gotten enough time together recently..." Oikawa said, mumbling the last part.

Iwaizumi then said, "what have you been stressed about? We don't have a game coming up and I know for a fact that you're excelling in all of your classes," he huffed, but then added, "Aiko just wants to spend a lot of time with me. Her father is strict, so we use as much time as we can." Iwaizumi said.

Oikawa had looked down right when Iwaizumi said Aiko's name, completely missing the guilty look in Iwaizumi's eyes. When Oikawa looked up, Iwaizumi was no longer looking at him.

Trying to lighten the mood, Oikawa plastered a smile on his face, "it's okay! I'm fine, really. I understand." He said with a small chuckle.

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa, the guilty look now gone. He didn't exactly believe Oikawa, but that wasn't why he was here. He didn't realize that he was pushing Oikawa's well being aside, and if he did, he just switched the subject. "Tch. Well anyway, what do you think of her? Aiko?" He asked.

Oikawa's heart broke for a hundredth time. Even when it's just them, Iwaizumi brings up her. He brings up Aiko, this girl who has managed to draw a invisible line between the two of them, even if Iwaizumi doesn't exactly notice it.

Oikawa looked down and smiled softly, although fake, "She's nice. She's really pretty. She has a it of a accent, is she mixed with anything?" He said and asked.

Iwaizumi nodded, looking up at the sky now, "she's both American and Japanese. She was given her name by her Japanese mother, but lived in America for most of her life until she turned 10. She speaks both fluently, but she's better at English." He explained.

Oikawa once again noticed the fond look on Iwaizumi's face. Why can't he make Iwaizumi so star struck? Why can't he be the one to make Iwaizumi happy, why can't he be the one to make Iwaizumi smile even once? He can't seem to make Iwaizumi smile while being just friends, so what makes him think he could make Iwaizumi happy while dating him? What makes him think that Iwaizumi could actually like him, change his sexuality for him? He's being delusional, Oikawa decides. 

Oikawa nodded after a small moment, "ah." He said simply. He mentally cursed at how boring he was being, so quickly added, "she's perfect for you." No. "I can see you together in the future," he said with a playful wink. No.

Iwaizumi scrunched up his nose and scoffed, "oh shut up." He huffed, a light blush burning across his cheeks. 

Oikawa bit back the comment he so desperately wanted to say, a comment about how cute Iwaizumi is. He bit it back, knowing, just knowing he wasn't going to get a good reaction.

Now, even though they were talking about Aiko, Oikawa was still glad it was just them. No one to butt in, even though Aiko already indirectly did so. It was just Oikawa and Iwaizumi, just them-

"Oh."

Oikawa turned his head to look at Iwaizumi, curious of why iwaizumi gave that reaction to whatever was on his phone. 

"Aiko wants me to hang out with her, at her house," Iwaizumi said, quickly texting Aiko back.

Oh.

Oikawa swallowed a lump in his throat and nodded his head slowly, "oh... um.." He didn't know what to say, but he could feel the tears forming.

"I gotta go. Take care of yourself Shittykawa," Iwaizumi said, giving the brown haired male a small wave before he took off. Oikawa wasn't even able to say goodbye or anything.

Oikawa just stood there, upright, no longer leaning against the railing of the bridge. Tears rolled down his cheeks, and he sniffled, quickly wiping his eyes with his jacket sleeve. He shouldn't be crying, he's being over dramatic, right? Despite thinking that, Oikawa couldn't help but run back home while tears poured down his cheeks.

Of course, of fucking course. It's always Aiko, always her. He has known Iwaizumi far more than her, so why is she number one? Why does she matter more? Why isn't he the one to be cared about more? Aiko barely knows him!

Oikawa's head was filled with conflicting thoughts between thoughts, and he so desperately wanted to tear his hair out from his head. He sprinted right back home, fists clenched as he ran. He entered the house quick, but before he could get upstairs, he was stopped by his mother. His father was probably in his study.

"Tooru- Oh, Tooru, why are you crying?" His mother fretted, tilting Oikawa's head up so she could examine his face a bit more.

Unable to contain himself, Oikawa buried his face into his mother's shoulder, and without speaking any words, he continued to cry. 

Not knowing what else to do at the moment, his mother rubbed his back and softly shushed him, trying her best to calm her crying son down, but he just kept crying and crying. She noticed her husband walk into the living room, but froze at the entrance, eye's slightly wide. She met his eyes and they both exchanged a same look, both thinking the same thing.

'I don't know what to do.'


	5. A/N

N O  
Don't worry ya'll, this book isn't being stopped or anything. I'll continue it eventually, I've just been dealing with some things, so yeah. With school and my fuck as father, yeah, it may take a tad bit longer. Sorry!


	6. Another A/N

Perhaps... I think it is time for me to start writing again! I am feeling so much better, and it's finally summer, so I will begin writing again. I even have another story in mind for a completely different anime... :)


	7. chapter 4

Aiko isn't a bad person. He (Oikawa) is. That is what he is telling himself, that is. She isn't mean, she isn't rude to him. The only thing Oikawa has against her is that she has taken so much Iwa-chan time from him. Of course, she sometimes gives him annoyed glances, but those looks are the aame annoyed looks ahe gives to literally anyone who messes up her time with Iwaizumi.

Oikawa really can't blame her. If he was Iwaizumi's signifigant other, he wouldn't want anyone to mess up his time with the male.

Oikawa, despite not being around Iwaizumi as much anymore, knows one place he can go that'll give him a distinct feeling of Iwaizumi. The Yamamoto Bridge.

Oikawa loves this bridge. His most favorite moments with Iwaizumi happened on this bridge, if not during some volleyball moment.

Oikawa was currently sitting on the bridge, legs hanging off of ledge through the sideways bars. He looked down at the traintracks that ran beneath it, a dark, grassy trench along with it. Oikawa sighed, resting his head against one of the metal bars, eyes closed as he began to think of some of those precious, loved memories of his.

_/Memory/_

_"Shittykawa."_

_No response._

_"Shittykawa," Iwaizumi pressed on._

_"Jesus, respond to me, you ass. I can tell you're beating yourself up, which you have no fucking reason for. Look at me, dumbass," Iwaizumi huffed, crouching down beside the male._

_"It was my fault. It's my job to lead our team to a win," Oikawa said, staring down at the train tracks. But, his eyes were averted once Iwaizumi forced him (Oikawa) to look at him (Iwaizumi). Iwaizumi was holding Oikawa's chin firmly, looking seriously into Oikawa's eyes._

_"Shut the fuck up. You may be the captain, but it takes all of us to win. We won't win with just one person, idiot. Stop beating yourself up because he keeps getting in your head," Iwaizumi said._

_"This isn't about Ushiwaka..."_

_"You are a terrible liar, Shittykawa."_

_"And you're mean," Oikawa pouted, looking away despite his face staying in the same place._

_Iwaizumi_ _rolled his eyes, "shut up," he huffed, before sitting down beeide the pouting male. He slapped Oikawa's shoulder a bit, managing to get Oikawa to actually look at him, voluntarily._

_Iwaizumi didn't have to say anything more, because Oikawa knew exactly what to do._

_He laid his head on Iwaizumi's shoulder, closed his eyes, and relaxed as Iwaizumi brought a hand up and lightly brushed through Oikawa's chocolate brown hair. Iwaizumi always seemed to be able to calm down the captain._

_/End Memory/_

Oikawa had always loved it when his hair was played with, well, by Iwaizumi. If it was messed with by anyone else, Oikawa would have probably complained and swatted that person's hand away.

He doesn't know why he likes Iwaizumi's hands so much. Maybe it's because his hands are so rough, yet gentle. The perfect size in which Oikawa can playfully hold, or just nuzzle against.

Oikawa then froze.

Why was he crying?

"Shit... no, no, I am not fucking crying," Oikawa hissed, quickly using his jacket to wipe the tears that had begun to flow from his eyes.

"This is stupid, why am I crying? There is no reason for me to be crying right now," Oikawa whimpered, and this seemed to only make him cry even more- and he didn't know why.

Oikawa was beginning to highly regret his decision to go to the bridge. All it was doing was bringing up the worst possible memories about Iwaizumi. By worst, meaning it made him miss Iwaizumi. It made Oikawa want to curl up in a ball and cry, it makes him long to be in Iwaizumi's arms. But, he can't anymore. Iwaizumi is occupied with someone else.

Iwaizumi has someone else to deal with, to care about.

Iwaizumi has Aiko, someone less annoying, someone who is actually able to be tolerated.

Oikawa quickly stood up, unable to stay on this bridge any longer. So, he quickly rushed home. Once at home, he bypassed literally anyone else who was present, even if it was just his parents, qnd rushed into his bedroom. He laid down on his bed, and cried there.

He felt safe in his room.

No one can hurt him, no one can see him here.

Scracth that. He isn't safe in his room, because even if no one physically can see him, or hurt him... Oikawa himself still can. Not him exactly, but his mind.

And his mind seemed to hurt him all the time. His mind never seemed to stop. His mind was always going, even when Oikawa went to sleep. Nightmares always seemed to attack Oikawa on all sides, screaming at him that Iwaizumi was gone, that Iwaizumi had no more time for the brunette.

But, as the nightmares got worse and worse, those thoughts got worse and worse. These thoughts strayed away from Iwaizumi, and soon turned to self hate.

You're too annoying.

You're useless.

You keep making the team loose.

You aren't that attractive.

Useless.

Useless.

**USELESS! USELESS! USELESS!**

Oikawa found himself waking up in a cold sweat, crying his eyes out. Sometimes his mom woke him up, sometimes his dad. They still had no idea what was going on, they didn't know what to do, and Oikawa didn't want to talk about it.

Oikawa didn't want to go to school, but he toughed it out. He went to school, he practiced with the team.

He watched as Aiko was loved by the team, loved by Iwaizumi.

**Respected.**

Hanamaki and Matsukawa. Oikawa still cares about them, just like everyone. But it seems like those two are the only ones who genuinely understand that Oikawa is still their fucking captain.

Maybe Oikawa just isn't worth that title.

Maybe someone else should just be fucking captain. That would make perfect sense, so much sense.

Because, Oikawa is useless. He is so completely useless who doesn't do anything for the team, right? Right.

And they all know it. They all probably think Iwaizumi deserves to be captain, right? Aiko would love that, she would be so proud of her boyfriend. Maybe Oikawa should quit volleyball. Maybe thay will make everyone happy.

Oikawa just didn't know.

He watched his teammates talk with each other after each practice, no one seeming to ask about him, or talk to him, unless a insult was warranted.

Funny, despite everything, Oikawa found himself talking with Aiko. She was nice to him, she actually asking him genuine questions. Most of their talks were about Iwaizumi, but nevertheless, she was nice to him. Oikawa couldn't dislike her for anything. She was pretty, nice and genuinely lovable.

Oikawa, instead, projected all the hate that could have been put on her, onto himself.

And that was the moment when his genuine downward spiral began.

**Author's Note:**

> This story deals with tough, harsh and triggering subjects. If you're at all irked by the subjects of suicide, self harm, anxiety and more (will be given warnings at the beginning of chapters), please don't read this story. Thank you.


End file.
